Guidelines For The Cynical Dater

After years of dating and not hooking The One (and not Neo. Hey! I just noticed that Neo is an anagram of One. Why don’t you people tell me these things?!), I’m quite confident that I know most (not all) of the pitfalls to avoid when dating and that these guidelines will work no matter which gender you choose to date: male, female or Richard Simmons. So here now are my creamy pearls of wisdom on dating:

  1. Avoid trying to get to know someone long distance. Exception: If you are less than an hour away AND you are both extremely independent. (You must pass Guideline #7 before becoming independent.)
  2. Avoid dating someone in their 20’s. Unless you, too, are in your 20’s and then you both can explore life, which you’ll end up finding is like a super-absorbent diaper. It’s chock full of crap and, in the end, you are going to have to change it yourself.
  3. Avoid dating your pimp. He WILL choke you.
  4. Trust me on this one. Turn right around and never look back if you go over to their place and their refrigerator is covered in nothing but magnet-attached pictures of themselves. This guideline applies to those who have stuffed animals all over their bed as well. You have been warned.
  5. Avoid going out with someone who just rolled into town or is new to the dating scene. They just started to shop in a new meat market and you, babe, are just a slab of cow hanging from a hook waiting to be chopped up and sold in pieces, which reminds me…
  6. Avoid dating homicidal maniacs.
  7. Avoid dating someone whose self-esteem fuel gauge is reading half-full to empty especially if they are currently trying to fill up. You’ll get nothing but bad pop philosophy spewed at you. And if you are the person trying to build their self-esteem, do us and yourself a favor and take the first exit off the Dating Freeway.
  8. No mimes. Ever.
  9. Avoid dating someone who finds guilt in the good things that happen to them. You know, like the ones in high school that were constantly whining about how they had hardly studied, but still got an A+++ and were always on the honor roll and always sat close to the teacher and somehow still ended up with the popular kids and, no matter how hard you worked and studied, you still were always just a couple of points behind them and could never out score them and at the ball games you wished that while they were on top of the cheerleader pyramid that someone at the bottom would get a cramp in their leg and the entire "Cheerscraper" would come crashing down and they would fall from their astonishing height and dent the smart part of their brain, but otherwise would be unharmed and maybe, just maybe, people would laugh at them for just a nanosecond and then that cute Scott Flower would mistake your glow of self-righteous vengeance for beauty and saunter up to you and say, "Hey, Howard. Guess what? I’m gay, too. Let’s blow this podunk southern town and explore the world together. Forever." And as you walk away hand-in-hand with Scott, your final glimpse of your former life is Dixie Young on her butt in the grass, skirt akimbo, rubbing her head and saying, "Duuuuh… I made the cow go moo."
    … try not to date anyone who thinks they don’t deserve the positive things life gives them.
  10. Avoid dating the incontinent only if you’re a stern chaser looking to get your crack on.

I sincerely hope this helps with your own romantic life. As for me, I’m tired of learning lessons.

Listening to: Little WillySweet

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