Baby's First Prostate Infection

TMI WarningIt’s official. I’m old.

After three weeks of feeling run down and discomfort — down there — I figured last Thursday that I might have an urinary tract infection; however, when I described my constant need to pee, the hardships of doing so and the feeling that I was never quite done, the doc said, “Nuh-uh, it sounds like you have a prostate infection, you old fogy. You should probably feel the need to yell at kids on your lawn, too.” He said it also explained the intense burning of my… uh… let’s just say that what should have been extremely pleasurable almost immediately turned into extremely painful. Whoever said ‘pain is close to pleasure’ never had a prostate infection. Lucky jerk.

Now before I get any more jokes claiming it’s due to “butt sex”, let me stop you right there and remind you that a massaged prostate is a healthy — and happy — prostate. So there.

Now let me amp up the ‘Ew’ factor.

After doing a little research into UTI’s, I found out the procedure for determining what is going on is to catch a urine sample midstream. No problem! I can pee in a cup! I had lots of practice when I was young on family road trips when we were between rest stops aiming for the small opening in the neck of a Coke bottle. So after the doctor checked my lungs and heart, he told me he had forgotten to tell me how he is going to do an initial check for the infection. He would have to do a rectal exam to feel the condition of my prostrate. After seeing him for over eight years, I love and respect my doctor. I just don’t love and respect him in the morning — IF you know what I mean.

I guess my concern looked more quizzical to him and he felt the need to tell me what he was going to do. “You’re going to have to drop trou, bend over and lose all your dignity for me.” Oh, I saw that porn. Look, I’ll be blatant. I don’t care how much I love you; I just don’t like fingers in there. It feels weird and uncomfortable especially when your prostate is swollen and tender; however, I have got to get the name of that lubricant. I kept going and going and going…

Yes, I took a shower after I got home because even then it was still going.

So here I am surrounded by yogurt and kefir trying to send in relief troops to replace those being massacred by Levaquin — a powerful killing agent that goes through your system saying over and over again, “Oh, are you a bacterium? Then you shall surely DIIIIEEE!” Heedless to the beneficial agent’s plea for mercy, it still murders the poor guy in warm blood. I’m on the stuff for 14 days because that damn prostate gland is so impenetrable. Sting is old now. I wonder if I can get him to rewrite one of his most famous songs and call it “Fortress Around Your Prostate”?

Listening to: “Fortress Around Your Heart” – Sting (no, I listened to it on purpose.)
Sting - The Dream of the Blue Turtles - Fortress around Your Heart

35 thoughts on “Baby's First Prostate Infection

  1. HOpe you’re feeling better.

    What made ME laugh, was that little ‘rate me’ icon with it’s finger pointing straight up..

    Been there, I’ve had a few, uh, ‘invasive’ Dr appointments, and it’s not fun. I had a colonoscopy once, but at least they give you valium for that. Oh, and try having a cervix next lifetime.. At least doctors have warm hands.

  2. It’s “a little* true that the word Prostate makes Bossy think of the eighty-year-old Jewish men around her grandparent’s pool in Cherry hill New Jersey.

    Now the word ‘prostrate’ – that makes Bossy think of her delicious Couch Raft.

  3. Man, Levaquin. We had some medical rep over years ago who gave me at least one million Levaquin plastic cups, pens and notepads… EACH. I am still using them. And now, I will think of your prostate healing while I write my grocery list out.

    Or something.

    Feel better.

  4. I know how you feel. I had a prostate infection once and the doctor (he’s an idiot) has not yet confirmed if my prostate is enlarged or not. When I bring it up he avoids the question all together. I’ll trade doctors with you. Mine is a Poopy Head. – sorry about my harsh language, but I can be pretty foul mouthed like that once in a while.

  5. Lorne

    Congrats on your first old fogy affliction, and uh… thanks for sharing. I trust your prostate’ll be back on its feet, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed soon.

    Q. How is peeing when you’re old like watching fireworks?

    A. You stand around forever waiting for it to start. Once it does, there’s lots of ooohing and aaaahhhing. Then you’re never quite sure when it’s over.

  6. It’s nice of you to share, but … you know … next time you just have to SHARE some of it, not dump the whole thing in our laps. OK? OK.

    BTW, do you KNOW how much I’m attracted to TMI warnings? Oh, yes you do.

  7. Mike:
    You’ve been watching Fox “News”.

    I didn’t even notice that. Hilarious!

    Mmmmm, relaxing.

    Horray! Another little something to remind you of friends!

    Perhaps a new doctor? Just thinking off the top of my head.

    Thanks. I love proving that people ignore warnings. :)

    I LOVE peeing!

    I am evil How-WARD!

    Ew! I can’t believe you talked about your monthly ‘thingy’ on my blog!

    Oh, I know. The warning icon was to attract readers.

  8. OMG, you poor poor thing… But thanks for the lovely post tho, I think I got a stiffy from reading it! ehehe! doh!

    In all seriousness, I hope this is just something minor and you’ll be in tip top shape in no time! And our doctor is one very lucky man! *smirk*

  9. Well, this is the perfect thing to read today – I’m scheduled for a gyno appointment later this afternoon. I’ll think of you when my feet are in the stirrups – in a platonic humanistic biological way, of course.

  10. Godwhacker:
    Old. Old! OLD! I feel better.

    Thank you for getting the Tick reference!

    That’s hot. Call me.

    Glad I could help you relive some memories.

  11. I don’t mean to laugh at your pain, but this post was hilarious! I loved it. Very witty.

    But in all seriousness, I’m sorry to hear of it.

    I found this post through Best Gay Blogs.

  12. Pingback: The Frog Bog » For The Love of a Commentor

  13. alfred

    All the above were EASY. Long story short, I needed a TURP. (Google that and watch a video)
    Still bleeding a little after 4 weeks. NO sex yet but those erections keep comming on. Cold, cold
    showers at 3 am!More weeks to heal.Have to drink enough water to float a battleship DAILY. All this just to Pee like a 20 year old again. God, now that feels good and totally empty too!

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