Solar System, Milky Way Galaxy – On October 7, NASA announced that its Spitzer Space Telescope had made an amazing discovery: a previously unknown ring around Old Man Saturn. Scientists are baffled by the super-sized ring which is so large it could contain one millions Earths. “It’s an amazing discovery,” said Douglas Hamilton, one of the co-discoverers and an astronomer at the University of Virginia. “The ring is very faint and can only be seen in infrared which made us wonder why Saturn would want to hide it.”
“Well,” said Saturn via radio telescope, “it was supposed to be a secret, but I’m Mr. Milky Way.” Saturn went on to say that he and Mrs. Galaxy have been dating since the sun was blue. He added enthusiastically, “I just love older women.”
As it turns out, they had to keep the marriage secret. “The Universe has very strict rules about intra-galaxy dating, but I didn’t care. She’s a thing of beauty and her body — heavenly.” Saturn said they exchanged vows near the beginning of AD 1. “The people of Earth still talk about our honeymoon night. We were quite rambunctious and were so stellar humans could see us. I hear they still celebrate our nuptials every year.”
Saturn explained the hidden ring was to keep things from The Universe. “My Milky just took some stuff floating around and made it for my wedding present,” he explained. “Even though it’s impossible to see in the visible spectrum, it is still very precious to me.” He added, “Besides would you look at the size of that thing? Don’t say anything, but I hear Venus is insanely jealous.”
Neighbors said they had noticed a change in Saturn’s behavior recently.”He has had a spring in his orbit for the past 25,000 years,” claims Jupiter. “For as long as I’ve know him, he’s been the quiet, introspective gardener caring for his moons and then one millennium – BAM – he was welcoming Earth’s satellites over and showing off for some reason.”
Mrs. Galaxy was unavailable for comment.
It is unclear at this point whether Saturn and The Milky Way Galaxy will be reprimanded for breaking Universe policy. Saturn could face a demotion similiar to Pluto’s after it was uncovered that he and Planet X were having an affair in the Kuiper Belt, a local motel in a remote area where guests can pay by the orbit.