World of Warcraft Suicide Cult

I’ve never talked about my World Of Warcraft playing here because — c’mon — I’d be opening myself up to many levels of shite poured into the comment section. Plus nothing really funny has ever happened in the game.

Until now.

Sunday night I noticed an event in the guild calendar called “Emo Death Cult” but didn’t look further into it. I was busy trying to unseat some baddies off their horses with my lance. (If you know what I mean.) On occasion a repeated appeal would show up in guild chat — something about making a character and joining the death march. So I asked what was going on.

“Create a first level character and we’ll port you to Dalaran [major city in the game] where we are all going jump off the top of the Violet Citadel and then log out leaving our bodies on the steps.”

“I’m in.”

Logging out and hitting Add New Character, I decided on making a Priest figuring that would be the funniest class to join a cult. The only prerequiste was naming the character something Emo. Others were Icutmyself and Painisgood, for example. After calling Monkey Shari who does a killer Emo character, we came up with the name Barrentree as the name of my Night Elf whose destiny had been decided by the User. Thinking back I should have called him Thefray.

After being ported to the top of The Violet Citadel, I saw all my fellow cultist standing around crying and saying things like, “This world is pain” and “We can’t go until I write this last entry into my journal”. Okay, that second one was me, but you get the picture. In the meantime, I noticed that I stood out from the other members for some reason.

“Somebody give Barrentree a black dress.”

A trade window opens and I’m given a black robe to put on — just like everyone else. His own personal black Snuggie to wear after he throws his body to the steps below in an expression of the pain that he shares with the others.

We jump. We die.

Quickly logging in to my main character, Uuvar, I had him make his way to the steps. There — strewn upon the steps of the Violet Citadel — are his former guild members. “Oh, Barrentree,” he says while kneeling before the bodies, “how we barely knew thee. May the light of the Naaru embrace you.” And with a /cry, Uuvar began to weep for his fallen comrades. There were other players standing around and I hoped their reaction was something along the lines of “What the F*CK was that?”

Meanwhile, back in the real world, Howard /laugh and /laugh, logs off and orders dinner for Cameron and himself.

5 thoughts on “World of Warcraft Suicide Cult

  1. Leslie

    I think I have a better chance of getting a perfect score on the reading comprehension portion of the GRE on Saturday than figuring out what the hell you just said.

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