A Real Live Published Author Stops By

mercuryfallsDiesel is the author of Mattress Police which I’ve read for a couple of years because I find his stuff pretty darn funny. Of course, it helps that he found a tag line I wrote funny enough to use on his site.

Like many blogs that stuck it out, Rob is an aspiring author who thought he had this great idea for a book called Mercury Falls which would be a Cataclysmic Comedy — or a funny book about the end of the world. Unfortunately that meant dealing with the publishing world. Slagging the industry, he decided to self-publish and then use his almost vast network of blog readers to promote.

His latest promotional gimmick is a blog tour and today he stopped by to answer some questions. Let us begin.

1. Mercury Falls has angels who do things. Speaking of angels who do things, who would be in your secretarial pool of angels?

There won’t be any angels in the pool. They’re afraid of water. Just like cats. I don’t know why angels are afraid of cats; you’d have to ask them.

2. I’m seeing comparisons to Douglas Adams. What sets you apart from him other than not being British or not really knowing how to make a good cup of tea?

Well, for one thing, I’m not British. And for another, I can’t make a good cup of tea. Beyond that, I’d say that Douglas Adams does a better job of reading an entire question before answering it.

3. What CAN you make a good cup of?

I’ve been known to make water on occasion.

4. You make light of the end of days. What are your plans in Hell? And what do you think of Gov. Arnold?

Jeez, Howard, why not make a reference to The Last Action Hero while you’re at it? Actually, I was just thinking about Arnold this morning in the shower. No, not like that. I was thinking about how I really needed to start working out again, except that the last time I tried to work out I totally messed up my back because I’m 39 years old now and I have to take it easy but friggin’ Arnold was HUGE in T3 and he’s like FIFTY and how does THAT work, and you’d think that a guy who has the discipline to make a 50 year old body look like THAT could fix California in no time, except that he’s got all those whiny Democrats to deal with and they won’t let him make governate on steroids.

5. What’s your deal with linoleum?

Why do people keep asking that? Did people say to Melville, “Hey Herman, what’s up with the whales?” No, and you know why? Because Melville was freaking 8′ feet tall and built like a dump truck. He’d rip your arms off as soon as look at you. Which is coincidentally why he didn’t have many friends and spent most of his time writing.

6. Sell the plot of your book in 10 words but don’t give anything away or we will all give you one-star reviews on Amazon.

“When a womanizing bachelor inherits his teenage daugher, hilarity ensues!”

Wait, that’s the sitcom I’m working on. Can I start over?

7. What happened to the Diesel moniker?

Okay, here’s the deal. That started as a real life nickname, which I then started using as my blogging name. Now that I’m a big-time author, though, I have to use my real name. Well, I didn’t HAVE to, but otherwise how would my junior high teachers know that I’m a big success? So while I wish I could keep going by “Diesel” (and I still do at work, believe it or not), I have to give in to the demands of authorhood. Authorship. Authoringness.

8. Will you friggin’ blog more often now?

No. Unless they can fix that thing where nobody has to pay to read your blog.

9. You use gender-specific pronouns with your angels when we all know angels have Barbie-doll non-genitals. Please explain.

You’re telling me that you really believe that Alan Rickman has no c**k? That guy is hung like a whale.

10. Who’s on your celebrity guilt-free “to do” list. Don’t worry. Your wife doesn’t read me.

Officially, I have no list, but I’ve always wanted to give Salma Hayek a nice firm handshake.

11. What’s next? Or is this the one great novel you have and soon you will become a Thomas Harris recluse?

I’m actually working on a sequel in which Mercury eats Ray Liotta’s brains. Stay tuned!

12. READER QUESTION (I kid. I have no readers.): If you can’t get enough attention, will you pose for Playgirl?

Only if they’ll have me.

Well, they got Levi Johnston, so I’m sure you’re next. Thanks, Mr. Kroese, for taking time out of your busy schedule of Twitter updates and making Google a better place to store every nuiance of public and private information.

Mercury Falls is available from Amazon. I’ve only read the Prologue (and a few pages of the first Chapter) and so far so good. An official review will appear soon.

10 thoughts on “A Real Live Published Author Stops By

  1. Angels don’t have genitals, eh? Depends on whether you stick to received impressions from mythology and religion or strike out with your own take.

    There are donkey dicks in the Bible, you know. Not on donkeys. On people. Seriously. Um, I can’t remember which book of the Old Testament goes into it, but there’s this descriptive of these well-hung giants who have sex with Earth women. Or something like that. These scarily-endowed beings are described as fallen angels, if I remember correctly… :-)

  2. Andy – I think they’re called the Nephilim or something. Scholars aren’t sure who they were, or how well hung they actually were.

    I was assuming Howard was getting his theology from Kevin Smith’s “Dogman.” If there are other theories about angel genitalia, I don’t know anything about them, because that would have entailed “research.”

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